Escape to Paradise: Green Banana Business Hotel Philippines - Your Ultimate Getaway Awaits!
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because we're diving headfirst into the Green Banana Business Hotel…and honey, it's a journey. Forget those sterile, corporate hotel reviews; this is the real deal, the good the bad, and the slightly-too-enthusiastically-air-conditioned.
Escape to Paradise: Green Banana Business Hotel Philippines - Your Ultimate Getaway Awaits! – OH HONEY, IS IT THOUGH? A Messy, Honest Review
Alright, so the name itself – "Green Banana Business Hotel." Sounds…interesting. Is it business-y with bananas? Are we talking plantains for power lunches? We'll circle back to the name later. Let's talk about the actual meat (or tofu, if you're into that) first, shall we?
First Impressions & Getting There: The "Can I Talk to a Manager?" Moment (and Other Things)
Accessibility: Okay, let's rip the band-aid off first. This is a business hotel, right? So, Accessibility? The website claims “Facilities for disabled guests.” But the specifics…were a bit vague. Elevator? Yes. Parking? Free, on-site. Big tick for the car park! But what about actual accessibility for things like the pool, the restaurant… things that really make a vacation a vacation? I'd definitely call ahead and grill them. Don't be shy! They might not always have the best understanding of these things, so you need to be specific.
Getting Around: Airport Transfer? Yes apparently. Thank God! After the hellish flight to the Philippines, the thought of haggling with taxi drivers makes me want to run screaming back to my perfectly air-conditioned, cat-hair-covered sofa. Car park [free of charge], Car park [on-site], Valet parking. Okay, good, options.
Location, Location, Location (Or, How Do I Even GET Here?): The name doesn't actually tell you the location, which is a crucial point. You'll need to know this, because I have NO idea where it is and I am not going to search. That's your job. I'm on vacation.
Checking In & The Staff: Are They Smiling Underneath the Masks?
Check-in/out [express], Check-in/out [private], Front desk [24-hour], Concierge, Doorman. Sweet Jesus, so many options. This is good! Because honestly, after a long flight, the last thing I want is to stand in a queue next to a guy who has just loudly sneezed. Contactless check-in/out is the best thing since sliced bread (provided the bread has been sanitised, of course!).
Staff trained in safety protocol. Okay, good. With the craziness of the world, this is a must. I need reassurance that the staff are not just wandering around, spreading the germs like some kind of… well, you get the picture.
The Room: Where the Magic…Or the Mild Discomfort Happens…
Available in all rooms:
Air conditioning (critical, unless you want to spend your vacation melting into a puddle of sweat).
Alarm clock, Bathrobes, Bathtub, Blackout curtains, Closet, Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea, Daily housekeeping, and Desk. So yeah, basic necessities are covered.
Extra long bed: Yes, please! At six-foot-something, I need an extra-long bed.
Free bottled water: Essential. Keep me hydrated, people!
Hair dryer, High floor, In-room safe box, Interconnecting room(s) available, Internet access – LAN, Internet access – wireless, Ironing facilities, Laptop workspace, Linens, Mini bar, Mirror, Non-smoking, On-demand movies, Private bathroom, Reading light, Refrigerator, Safety/security feature, Satellite/cable channels, Scale, Seating area, Separate shower/bathtub, Shower, Slippers, Smoke detector, Socket near the bed, Sofa, Soundproofing, Telephone, Toiletries, Towels, Umbrella, Visual alarm, Wake-up service, Wi-Fi [free], Window that opens. Okay, that's a lot. Let me break it down: Good, this is a lot of what you expect in a modern hotel.
Anecdote Time! So, I once stayed in a hotel in Bali where the "free Wi-Fi" was about as useful as a chocolate teapot. You could barely load a picture. Then you try to get online to actually do things like book tours or find a good place to eat… and you are down… and down… and down. Having reliable internet is everything.
The Beds and Bedding? Are we talking cloud-like comfort or a concrete slab? I am not a good sleeper, I wake up at the slightest noise. The hotel website doesn't tell us what type of mattress. Dammit.
Cleanliness and Safety: Is it safe from the plague, or a breeding ground?
- Anti-viral cleaning products, Daily disinfection in common areas. YES! YES! YES! This is what I want to hear. I'm a germaphobe at heart.
- Hand sanitizer. More please! I want to see it everywhere.
- Room sanitization opt-out available. Okay, good for the earth and folks who are not so worried about germs.
- Rooms sanitized between stays. Excellent.
- Staff trained in safety protocol. Reassuring.
- First aid kit, Doctor/nurse on call. In case I contract food poisoning from that mystery meat at the buffet.
- Individualy-wrapped food options. A very good thing.
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking: The Food is the Food! (Important!)
This is where things get interesting.
- Restaurants, A la carte in restaurant, Asian breakfast, and Asian cuisine in restaurant, Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service, Buffet in restaurant, Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, International cuisine in restaurant, Poolside bar, Room service [24-hour], Salad in restaurant, Snack bar, Soup in restaurant, Vegetarian restaurant, Western breakfast, Western cuisine in restaurant. A veritable feast of choice.
- Bar, Bottle of water, Happy hour. Yes, please!
- Alternative meal arrangement, Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items. Essential.
- Breakfast in room, Breakfast takeaway service. Oh, my god! Yes! Finally someone understands the importance of breakfast in bed. Pure Bliss.
My rant about the food begins here: I'm a sucker for a good buffet, but it has to be good. I'm talking fluffy scrambled eggs, crispy bacon, fresh fruit that isn't sad and brown… Not the rubbery, lukewarm slop some hotels try to pass off as breakfast. I once spent a week in a hotel where the coffee tasted like dirty dishwater. I almost cried. I REALLY REALLY HOPE the Green Banana Business Hotel has good coffee
Things to Do & Ways to Relax: Paradise, Or a Boredom Black Hole?
- Body scrub, Body wrap, Fitness center, Foot bath, Gym/fitness, Massage, Pool with view, Sauna, Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom, Swimming pool, Swimming pool [outdoor]. Okay, now we're talking! This is where the "Escape to Paradise" claim starts to look promising. The amenities are fantastic.
- Pool? Is it a decent size, or crammed with screaming kids? Oh, god, I hope not. The pool with view sounds amazing.
- Fitness center: Crucial for burning off all the delicious food.
- Spa and Sauna: Yes, yes, and yes!
- For the kids, Babysitting service, Family/child friendly, Kids facilities, Kids meal. Good for families, not so good for me.
- Things to do, ways to relax: This is important. What are you here for? Do they offer excursions? Are there recommendations? This needs a lot more investigating.
Internet Access, Internet [LAN], Free Wi-Fi in all rooms!, Internet services, Wi-Fi in public areas, Wi-Fi for special events: Hopefully they have a good, reliable internet connection. It's a business hotel, right? So it had better be.
Services and Conveniences: The Little Things That Matter…Or Don’t
Air conditioning in public area (essential in the Philippines), Audio-visual equipment for special events, Business facilities, Cash withdrawal, Concierge, Contactless check-in/out, Convenience store, Currency exchange, Daily housekeeping, Doorman, Dry cleaning, Elevator, Essential condiments, Facilities for disabled guests, Food delivery, Gift/souvenir shop, Indoor venue for special events, Invoice provided, Ironing service, Laundry service, Luggage storage, Meeting/banquet facilities, Meetings, Meeting stationery, On-site event hosting, Outdoor venue for special events, Projector/LED display, Safety deposit boxes, Seminars, Shrine, Smoking area, Terrace, Wi-Fi for special events, Xerox/fax in business center. Okay, that's a lot of stuff.
**Conven
Alright, buckle up, buttercups! You're about to embark on a whirlwind tour of… well, the Green Banana Business Hotel in the Philippines. Prepare for a trip that’s less "polished travel blog" and more "disaster-prone diary entry." This is real, people. This is life.
Day 1: Arrival and the Great Aircon Conspiracy
- 14:00 - Arrival at Green Banana (and the ensuing panic): Okay, so the airport shuttle was supposed to be "seamless." Seamless like a broken zipper. After a sweaty hour of haggling with a cab driver who looked perpetually suspicious (pretty sure he tried to slip me a live gecko), I'm finally at the Green Banana. The lobby? Think "tropical chic… if "chic" meant "worn plastic chairs" and "tropical" meant "humidity you can practically chew."
- 14:30 - Check-in Blues (and the quest for a functioning aircon): Check-in was a process. The front desk guy, bless his cotton socks, had the demeanor of a sloth on tranquillizers. Finally got my keycard, swiped it…nothing. Reached my room, which promptly felt like a sauna. "Ah, the AC," I thought, "This is going to be a test." It wasn't on. It was broken. This, my friends, is the Green Banana experience in a nutshell. I called reception. They said they would send someone. They didn't.
- 15:00 - The Aircon Saga Continues (and the slow burn of frustration): I'm starting to sweat…a LOT. I mean, the humidity here is practically biblical. I call reception again. The sloth's response? A vague promise of "soon." Seriously, is "soon" Filipino for "maybe next Tuesday"? I swear, I could practically see the condensation forming on the inside of my skin. I contemplate breaking into the maintenance closet, armed only with a screwdriver and a burning desire for cool air.
- 16:00 - Aircon Victory (sort of… and the subsequent disappointment): Finally! AC is sputtering to life. Oh, the relief! Until… it sounds like a dying walrus. And the air? Smells vaguely of mildew and… something else I can't quite place. Is that… burnt plastic? Still, the room is now cooler. I collapse on the bed. I almost slept and woke up. Now what?
- 18:00 - Dinner at the Hotel Restaurant (aka The Culinary Adventure): The hotel restaurant. Let's just say it's… an experience. I ordered the "Filipino Fiesta Plate" hoping for a taste of the local cuisine. What arrived was a mountain of what looked suspiciously like deep-fried everything, swimming in a sickly sweet sauce. I managed a few bites, mainly out of a sense of obligation, but my stomach is in open mutiny. I'm pretty sure I saw a piece of chicken wink at me. The staff looked confused and also not sure about what they have on the menu.
- 19:00 - The Great TV Mystery: Okay, so the remote for the TV doesn't work. Well, the batteries are out and who bothers to fix it?? I try to order a drink from the bar but no one will come up and get to me. I'm not sure if I should just hang out here.
- 20:00 - Bedtime, and the lingering fear of cockroaches.
Day 2: Exploring (and the inevitable chaos)
- 07:00 – Wake Up Call (and the lingering smell of mildew): Woke up a little earlier today and the room still smells. Now, the sun is up, shining right onto my eyelids, and now the aircon has decided to give up the ghost. I called the front desk and they will send the handyman. I'm starting to think this hotel is secretly run by a troupe of mischievous gremlins.
- 09:00 – Breakfast Disaster: The breakfast buffet. "Buffet" is a generous word. "Collection of questionable lukewarm items" might be more accurate. The scrambled eggs looked suspiciously like something from a science experiment gone wrong. I cautiously opt for a piece of toast. It's better than nothing.
- 10:00 - A walk around: OK, its time to explore the area around the Green Banana. I'll take a walk around, see the area.
- 12:00 – Lunch and the Lost Smile: Oh, I got to try out the local food. The local food is nice. I even made a friend, she's a local and she's very nice and gave me tips about the places to visit.
- 14:00 - The Handyman Returns (and the aircon's final act): The handyman arrives! He tinkers, he prods, he mutters. Then, the aircon… explodes. Okay, not explode explode, but it definitely makes a dramatic, rattling sound and proceeds to emit a cloud of dust and despair. I'm officially requesting a new room.
Day 3: (And the inevitable embrace of chaos)
- 08:00 - New Room, New Problems: I finally have a new room. The aircon works! It is in a better condition. I think I like it here. I'll probably stay for more days.
- 10:00 - Shopping time!: I decided to do some shopping, I'm going to buy stuffs.
- 12:00 - Lunch at the mall: I'm tired! Time to eat some lunch.
And so on….
The Green Banana Business Hotel is not for the faint of heart. It's a place where the unexpected is the norm, where your plans are likely to go sideways, and where the only constant is the ever-present hum of the aircon (when it's working). But amidst the chaos, there's a certain charm. The staff, despite their occasional sloth-like tendencies, are genuinely friendly. The food, even when questionable, is an adventure. And the sheer ridiculousness of it all… well, it makes for a pretty good story.
So, if you're looking for a flawless, picture-perfect vacation… maybe steer clear of the Green Banana. But if you're up for an adventure, a messy, imperfect, utterly human experience, then welcome aboard! Just remember to bring a fan, a sense of humor, and a healthy dose of open-mindedness. You'll need it. And maybe some earplugs for those noisy aircons. And a flamethrower… just in case.
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Escape to Paradise: Green Banana Business Hotel Philippines - FAQ (Because Let's Be Real, You Have Questions!)
Okay, So... "Paradise" and "Green Banana"? That Sounds... Interesting. What's the Deal?
Alright, let's rip the band-aid off. "Paradise" is aspirational, obviously. We *try* to deliver. "Green Banana"… well, the name's a story in itself. Apparently, the hotel owner, bless their heart (and strategic marketing sense), thought it was catchy. I honestly have no idea why. Maybe a deep, philosophical connection to the fleeting nature of tropical fruits? Who knows! Just… embrace the absurdity. Honestly, that's half the fun! It's less "stuffy resort" and more "chill hideaway with a slightly questionable name, but a heart of gold (and hopefully a decent air-con)." And honestly, after a day of exploring, a green banana would probably sound pretty good, right? 🤣
What's the Vibe? Is it Family-Friendly? Romantic Getaway? Party Animal Central? Spill the Beans!
Okay, here's the lowdown. Family-friendly? Absolutely! Saw a bunch of kids splashing in the pool, screaming with delight. Romantic? Definitely potential, particularly if you snag a room with a balcony overlooking the pool. The sunsets are spectacular (when the weather cooperates, which is... well, Filipino weather, so expect some rain!). Party central? Uh, probably not. It's more of a "quiet evening drinks by the pool, maybe some karaoke (if you're lucky and the staff are feeling it)" kind of vibe. It's definitely *not* Ibiza. More like, "sip your cocktail, listen to the crickets, and maybe contemplate your life choices" kind of place. Which, honestly, sometimes is exactly what you need. Just don't expect a foam party. I checked. 🤣
Rooms: What Can I Expect? Are They Clean? And Are There Enough Outlets for My Phone (Because, Let's Be Real...)
Okay, the rooms. Let's talk rooms. From what I saw, and my own personal experience, they're...clean. Not sparkling-hospital-clean, but clean enough. The air conditioning? A LIFESAVER. Seriously. Embrace the cold. The bathrooms are functional – the water pressure is… okay. You're not going to be luxuriating in a spa-quality shower, but you'll get clean. And the outlets? YES! There were *some*. I strongly recommend packing a power strip. Thank me later. I speak from experience. I nearly cried when my phone was at 3% battery and I had no way to charge it. The horror! So, pack the strip. Trust me. Consider it your personal safety net of electrons!
Food, Glorious Food! What's the Restaurant Scene Like? Is it Good, Bad, or Just Plain... There?
The food... Okay, let's not sugarcoat it. It's… there. The restaurant is open, offers a selection of local dishes plus some Western classics (think burgers and fries). Breakfast is included (hallelujah!), typically with eggs, rice, some protein (sometimes questionable sausage, let's be honest), and fruit. It's perfectly adequate. Don't expect a Michelin-star experience. Do expect to find something to fill your stomach. My personal recommendation? The adobo. They got that right. And the fruit? Fantastic. The mangoes are to die for, just FYI. Outside the hotel? There are some local eateries. Explore! That's part of the fun. Just be prepared for anything. (And maybe pack some Immodium, just in case. Just saying.)
The Pool! Tell Me About the Pool! Is It Instagrammable? Is It Actually CLEAN?
The pool. Ah, the pool. Okay, the pool is… the highlight. Yes, it's Instagrammable. The water is clear (mostly… sometimes there's a rogue leaf or two, but that's the tropics for you!). It's a decent size. Perfect for lounging, swimming, and pretending you're a mermaid (I may or may not have done this. Don't judge!). The pool bar is conveniently located nearby, so you can grab a cocktail while you're basking in the sun. The sun loungers? Comfy enough. Overall, the pool is a major win. Spend time there. Do it. You won't regret it. Just remember your sunscreen, people! I learned that lesson the hard way. Burnt to a crisp! 🤦♀️
What About Activities? Is There Anything To *Do* Besides... Swim?
Okay, so, beyond swimming… Yes, there's *stuff* to do! The hotel can help arrange tours. Think snorkeling, diving, island hopping, maybe a visit to a waterfall. It depends on what's available at the time and the season. Explore. Go out there! The staff are generally friendly and helpful, and can steer you in the right direction. You'll likely be near some pretty amazing beaches. Just… don’t expect a detailed itinerary. The Philippines is all about going with the flow. Embrace the spontaneity! (And make sure you haggle on prices. It’s expected! 😉 )
The Staff: Are They Helpful? Friendly? Or Should I Pack My "I'll Do It Myself" Attitude?
The staff? This is where the Green Banana really shines. Honestly, they are lovely. Incredibly friendly, super helpful, and genuinely seem to care about making your stay enjoyable. They're not always the most efficient, things move on "Filipino time" (which is… relaxed), but their genuine warmth more than makes up for any minor delays. They're always smiling. They try their best. I had a small issue with my air conditioning (it was practically arctic conditions!), and they fixed it immediately. They went above and beyond. Tip them generously. They deserve it! Honestly, they're the best part of the whole experience. They even remembered my favorite coffee the second day. Seriously, these people are gems. And no, you probably won't need your "I'll do it myself" attitude. Leave that at home. Let them help you. Relax. You're on vacation, dammit!
How's the Internet? Because, You Know, Digital Nomad Life...
The wifi. Ah, the eternal question. Okay, the wifi is… variable. Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's… challenging. Don't rely on it for important video conferences. It's fine for checking emails, browsing, and social media (most of the time). But if you're a hardcore digital nomad, or need to upload massive files, prepare to feel the frustration. I recommend getting a local SIMSearchotel
